"Bereavement from a bereaved person's point of view"

"Shared Knowledge tells, through many stories, how the bereaved are able to help themselves and others who have been launched unwillingly upon a risky and prolonged journey for which they had no real preparation"

Dear Friend,

In his book On Equilibrium, John Ralston Saul compares this phenomenom to the journey of the Monarch butterflies. These beatiful creatures fly precisely the same thousands of miles each year summering in Canada and wintering in Mexico. Monarchs are equipped to dip into a well of innate shared knowledge which supports and guides them without any other source of reliable input.

Both myself and my wife Claire have lost spouses, and through these experiences and those of our friends and hospice, I've been able to compile these stories, information for self-help, and provide guidance for walking groups. You'll find many stories and resources in this book, which I hope will help you through this time.

Please read on to find out more about my experiences with grief and bereavement, learn more about walking groups and hospice, and to find out how to order a copy of my book, which I hope will help you in this time of need...

About me - and my experiences with
bereavement and grief

I have been a volunteer at Victoria Hospice Society for the past eighteen years. My wife, Claire Holmes, has been a volunteer for the past thirteen years. We are life members of Victoria Hospice Society. Our spouses died in the care of Victoria Hospice.

The intent of this web site is to:

• Share our involvement and participation in programs offered by Victoria Hospice
  
  
• Express our appreciation for the help we have received from Victoria Hospice
  
  
• Demonstrate how many hundreds of Bereaved Folks have also been helped, by the two programs described below, with little or no cost to Victoria Hospice

The Walking Group Program is in its twentieth year and the Bereavement Self-help Group is in its eighteenth year. We wish to acknowledge the current and past volunteers who have worked for many years in both of these Groups.

We appreciate the opportunity given, by the Bereavement Office at Victoria Hospice, to participate in these two groups which has been of such help to many people over the past years.

We believe, and experience has shown us, that Bereaved People are best helped by Bereaved People.

I have been involved in the Walking Group Program at Victoria Hospice since 1988, and in all of that time, I have heard nothing but appreciation from the more than fourteen hundred bereaved folks that I have met. For some time, I have been at a loss to explain why this program has been so successful. How is it that perfect strangers can meet in a walking group and become friends for life within a very short time-frame? How can we explain the collective bonding that occurs, time after time?

I believe that John Ralston Saul's concept of shared knowledge might explain this phenomenon. Bereaved people, all of whom are launched unwillingly upon a risky and prolonged journey for which they have no real preparation, have a profound ability to help perfect strangers who have in common with them nothing but the loss of a loved one.

Why should it be difficult to accept the possibility that the concept of shared knowledge that enables a butterfly to do something in a non-analytic and essentially inexplicable way might similarly enable human beings?

Time and time again, I have observed how bereaved people are best helped by other bereaved people. Perhaps the key is that, in the extremity of the bereavement experience, people unconsciously dip into a well of shared knowledge, the existence of which most people are blissfully unaware. It may simply be that this well of shared knowledge, or common sense, becomes accessible to people only when they are launched on their own bereavement journeys.

After all, human beings have been around for quite some time, but the truth is that individual time is unbelievably brief. Just as in the case of the Monarch butterfly, none of us has ever made the round trip.

I have no doubt that some kind of shared knowledge enables the bereaved to understand and to relate to the experiences of others in similar circumstances. Consistently, people who have not experienced the trauma of loss demonstrate that it is a challenge for them to empathize with the bereft. If this were not so, bereaved people would not be subjected to the constant stream of ill-advised, ill-informed, trite, and insensitive feedback that they are so accustomed to receiving.

My new book, Shared Knowledge, shares my
stories, as well as stories of those of many whom I have
been blessed to meet along my journey

The book Shared Knowledge includes...

Personal Stories Over 25 stories of strength of the human spirit - stories from myself and many others I have met through hospsice, told from the heart The Power of Silence I wonder how many people have thought about the power of silence as a tool for dealing with the inexplicable things that other people will say to the bereaved. I had to learn the value of this word the hard way Spirituality It took me some time to understand the difference between my expectations of support from my faith community and the reality of its perceived lack of response Walking Group Guidelines A helpful look at the history of walking groups and how to get involved in this very important healing group Celebrate-a-Life Each year, a few weeks before Christmas, Victoria Hospice provides space in a mall where people may come to remember a loved one Bereavement Myths A major puzzle, or conundrum, for bereaved people is how to deal with the misguided assumptions and beliefs that others may hold about the bereaved condition Defining New Relationships Another conundrum that bereaved people experience has to do with the invasive curiosity that people have about new relationships. Sometimes, even bereaved people themselves have trouble knowing when they have crossed the line Other suggested readings A compilation of titles and authors that I suggest reading more of to help you with your grief

Don't take my word for it.
Listen to what those who've read my book have said.

"Shared Knowledge is a very apt title for this gem of a book. It is full of information knowledge and wisdom by John Tomczak, the author and of those whose stories he relates, and how he and they have turned their personal experiences with loss into a testament of hope, caring and community.

This collection of stories and insights will help anyone who is experiencing, or has experienced, the loss of a loved one. What I particularly value about this book is that it points to a future, not of emptiness, but a future of fellowship and community.
It is commonly said that walking is the best form of exercise and now after reading John Tomczak's book I think walking with others may well be one of these best forms of healing the soul."

~ Wayne Peterson
Executive Director, Victoria Hospice Society, Victoria BC

"This is a book that everyone should read – not just a poignant story of one man’s journey through the shadows of grief but an uplifting story of how meaning and purpose can be rediscovered in periods of transition that come to us uninvited. We need more books like this one so as to balance the deluge of professional voices with the voices of those at the center of the experience of loss and change. A very welcome addition to our community wisdom about bereavement."

~ Allan Kellehear Phd, Professor of Palliative Care,
Palliative Care Unit, Faculty of Health Sciences,
La Trobe University Melbourne Victoria Australia

"I met John at the Victoria Bereavement Self Help Social Group. We both had lost our spouses although for him it was many years before. I have known John now for more than eight years and he never ceases to amaze me. His latest accomplishment was writing a book about bereaved people. There are not many books that I have ever read that had me in tears and laughing however not at the same time. My wife and I have found Shared Knowledge to be a great help. It could be called a reference book, but on a personal level. Besides having a great sense of humour, John tells a great story and is a keen observer of people."

~ Harvey R.,
Member of Victoria Hospice Bereavement Self Help Social Group

"A personal, inspiring, instructive approach to dealing with bereavement through grief–to–grief experience, silent or articulated, the story of comfort and quiet empathy of ‘peers in sorrow’ is uniquely done in this book. I have read almost everything in print about handling emotional–physical struggles with grief. They lack a singular quality of tested and tried outlined guidance which John presents so well.

To love enough to be willing to share death is, to me, the ultimate triumph of the human spirit. It may even be the ultimate in Loving and Dying. It creates togetherness in last mutual need and hope – not hope for more life, for that is not to be, but rather a hope for dignity, freedom from pain and a constant loving, strong hand along the final way."

~ Grace V. Victoria Hospice Society Walking Group 54

I hope that my book contains what you're looking for!
A description of some of the topics and discussions
in my book is listed below...

Bereavement from a Bereaved Person’s point of view.

This is an account of my own Bereavement and includes a few stories and experiences.

Organization and management of Walking and Self-Help Groups.

How to organize and manage these Groups including a talk to volunteers given by Claire.

Help available and given prior to a spouse’s death.. How Victoria Hospice enabled us to prepare for Collette’s death at home.

Bereavement Support offered. A group called Reflections and the Walking Group Program.

What could have been more helpful.

Time frame of Bereavement Support. Support sooner than later. Magic Yearly Cycle.

Value of a Bereavement Self Help group. Gives folks an opportunity to meet others in a similar situation, to share experiences and to help each other in a quasi-social setting. .

Grief: apparent differences between men and women. A gentle reminder that while men and women are indeed different it may be unwise to make any hard and fast rules about the bereaved condition in either men or women. We must not categorize the reaction of anyone in any kind of a situation. If folks are expected to behave in a preset manner it is quite likely they will do exactly that.

Bereavement support continuum formal and informal. Formal support is given through both individual and group counseling. Informal support would include trained volunteers both at Hospice and the Community.

The future of Bereavement Support in our culture. We must involve the Clergy, the Medical Profession and all Caregivers in Bereavement Support.

Health. What happens when the Caregiver doesn’t take care of his or her health?

Old Friends-New Friends. There is a difference.

Friendship. The importance of friendships.

Names. What happens when you call a new friend by your spouse’s name.

New Relationship and how do you feel about it. This is how my wife, Claire, related to the questions of a group of curious friends.

Dutch Treat. A simple solution to what could be a little problem.

Permission. Sometimes bereaved folks seem to need permission to be happy and have another relationship. This is a story about a friend of mine who felt he needed permission to have a new relationship.

Two Wives - Two Husbands. This is how Claire and I feel about our late spouses.

23 Skiddoo. The story of one of our Walking Groups.

Doing It For Myself. One of our Bereavement Self-Help Group tells her story.

Being Gentle With Yourself. My story about how I learned to understand how others felt about Collette’s death.

Bill’s Story. Our friend Bill tells his story.

Preamble. A short discussion of our concerns about the unprecedented demand for Bereavement Support because of the Public’s awareness of the Hospice Palliative movement in Canada. A reference to the Bereavement Counseling services provided by major Funeral Homes. Our views on funding.

Talk Given To Volunteers In Training. This is a detailed and comprehensive talk about the organization and management of a Walking Group Program. Dr. Michael Downing, Medical Director refers to the Victoria Hospice Walking Group Program as being eminently successful!

Insurance. A true story that points out the need for proper Public Liability Insurance.

Rides. Not all seniors drive a car. We discuss how to handle this problem.

Weather. Not much of a problem in Victoria but could be in other climates

Success Or Failure. Hard to judge at times and we will never know just how much the Program has helped folks.

Refreshment Places. Volunteers’ homes or at a convenient café but homes are best.

Time. The need to start on time and not have the group waiting for a few tardy ones.

Pets. Not a good idea. Believe it or not a lot of folks do not like pets on a group walk.

Maps. This is important. Some folks are newcomers to the area and maps are a great help.

Exercise. These walks are not part of a fitness exercise.

Tell Your Own Story. While it is unwise to expect anyone to share their experiences it sometimes helps to relate your own thoughts and experiences. Some will then choose to talk about their experiences. This is a delicate matter and not to be even remotely confused with advice giving.

Own Agenda. Some folks confuse the walks with a counseling session. Others will try to dominate the conversations. This happens rarely but it is best to be aware of just what is going on. All such cases are referred to the Bereavement Counselors immediately.

Absenteeism. It is best if folks attend each weekly walk. You must have a good follow-up procedure.

Don’t Give Up. This story is about the trouble I had getting "Elmer" to join the walking program.

Elmer’s Story. Elmer tells his own story and how the Walking Group Program changed his life.

The Elusive Walker. Now and then a situation comes along that is unusual but has a very happy ending. This is one of those times.

Bereavement Self-Help Group. The history, aims and objectives, gatherings, problems and the years of help given to over 600 Bereaved folks.

I hope that my book will be a help to you and your loved ones.

BONUS: Order today and get free shipping in North America!

(Free shipping available in Canada and the Continental US only)

Kindest Regards,

John F. Tomczak